Sunday, January 23, 2011
How to Drive a Car Cooler Than You
So, there is this 2011 Inferno Orange Camaro SS sitting outside the house, almost rumbling as it sits still, daring me to turn the key again. In only 36 hours, certain realizations have occurred to me, as in "Dude, this car is so much cooler than you.
How you gonna act?"
So, in no particular order are some of the things I've learned, should anyone out there be considering this beautiful and dangerous ride:
• The car actually rumbles. It vibrates when you're sitting at the light. Don't be ascared. It's actually pretty cool.
• No big drag strip starts, cowboy (More on that later). It's a six-speed V8, the most powerful car you've ever driven. Don't take the chance that you're gonna stall it in an intersection. And you will.
• There is a certain studied (but not studied) insouciance that you must maintain. When you park it and walk away, don't point the remote at it. Look forward, keep walking and just click it. The car's not going anywhere, and everyone saw you get out of it, anyway.
• You already attract attention. Don't act the fool. No "Displays of Speed," as the law calls it. Seriously.
• Every girl at every drive-thru window will coo, and say, "Nice car!" Just smile, say "thanks." Don't rev it when you drive out. You've already made the impression.
• If you really need to prove a point, like to that 22 year-old in a 2003 Prelude who keeps mad-dogging you, here's the deal: DON"T look at him. Get yourself to the top of the next light. Eyes forward. This is a drag strip start, but you don't know when the light will go green. Rev it a little, be ready. Never look at him. Don't acknowledge him at all. Glance at the radio, glance at the light. When the light turns, STAND on it. Be careful. You will either vanish from his view in a burst of engine, smoke and rubber, or you will stall. If it's the former, you will shock the hell out of him. If it's the latter, there is no place to hide. So, you might want to practice this move beforehand.
• Don't arrive anywhere with the windows rolled down and the stereo blasting. That was cool when you were 20, but.... You can crank it up to 11, but keep the windows closed. They'll hear you (and see you) coming, anyway.
• Use the parking valet.
• Everyone is watching. Don't pick your nose, don't wear a t-shirt from Opening Day at LegoLand. And change those sunglasses.
How you gonna act?